what's with this change?

I don't know what i'm doing with this life of mine. I seem to be pondering over every step I take, wasting time, thinking, thinking... Nothing productive is actually being done. Men? I still have two in the race. And i like them both and haven't felt more like a dickhead in all my life. They don't deserve it. I don't mean to do what I do, but it's so much harder to hurt someone when you like them. Who knows who will win this time? This race I get involved never has a clear winner and in the long run, is never the right one anyway, which most of the time, seems to be the problem. Shit. Exams? First in three weeks and I don't seem to give a shit.Nothing is being done, I keep saying, I'll do it when I feel like it and when I do? It lasts half an hour at the most before I get up and do something else. I feel like i've hit a brick wall with school. Something is telling me to break it and paddle on, get it over with, endure it and get where you want to go. But the other half isn't letting me, it's not worth it. It'll be okay, it'll work itself out. It rarelt does. So don't be a fool as I am and believe that. I've been looking at all of these Universities tonight and it's suddenly hit me, that in a years time (if I get off of my arse and get the grades of course) i'll be off to a University somewhere in life. I don't think i've ever been so scared about change. I won't be at home, or with the people I am most comfortable with today. Fresh Start. And i'm not too sure I want one. Not like that. Despite planning to stay together, me and the best friend are bound to loose eachother somewhere along the path and seperate. It kills me. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for anything. I'm too busy getting drunk and thinking about men. It shouldn't be like this. Not right now. I was so determined to change this life of mine. Exercise. Be social. Study. Work. Volunteer blah blah blah. Who am I kidding? I'm too busy wasting my life on Facebook and texting a man I probably wont' even know a year from now. What's wrong with me? I'm on an endless racing track, coming up to the finish line. And I just want to stop. Stop running and trun back. I'm not ready.