go on, write a poem, pour your heart out..

TO MY FOREVER UNLABLED
Had we both live in a time,
Where things were easy, and lead no crime,
We'd sit together and talk of love,
For once at peace, and that's enough.
You'd travel the Thames and battle the tides,
Just to be with me, and be by my side.
You'd speak of words, words that you mean,
And only for me, forever you're keen.
Adore all that I am, and all I can be,
Adore me as much, as I adore thee.
I'll forever label you my true,
And in this world, you'd do that too.
For I have never asked for better,
They tell me my tears will only get wetter,
But in this time, we do not care,
I never have to ask, for you to be there.
As i'm the one, that won your heart,
And being a lad while we are apart,
Does not hinder us at all,
We catch each other when we fall.
Of course, I'd love to say this true,
But let's be real, that is not you.
And at my back, I always hear,
That a label for us, is no where near.
Our broken record of our past,
Makes certain, this time won't be our last,
But even still, am I sure it's sound?
Thy love for you, shall no more be found.
And into ashes all my lust,
If you're not true, turn me to dust.
Now therefore, let's not wish for death,
Let's speak the truth, no wasting breathes.
Let's make a label, make it true,
Forget the world, just me and you.
Resist temptation, and birds of prey,
Like girls whom spoil, turn our days to grey.
Forget them all and we'll be fine,
Let us laze about and lose the time.
And through our laugh and pouring heart,
I know the world, won't tear us apart.

What's love got to do with it?

I've been reflecting. And thinking a lot about a lot lately. I've been looking at other people and watching films and reading sonnets and submersing myself in why people are so fasinated with love. And why it is something we fight, cry, die and live for. I have to realise, as I know that I have done before, that people will leave. And most of the time, these are the people we love. It's life. Bad things happen to good people. Bad things, often happen for a reason. Other times, it's just bad luck, being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Being with the wrong person even if it feels right. I've thought about fate and destiny and if they even exist. True Love? Are they linked? I'm sad to say, that I am still searching for an answer to this life of mine. But at the age of 17, going on 18, I'm not sure I need to know the answer to every question. It's okay to choose the wrong one. Even if the result hurts. We learn from our mistakes. And is that fate? What do we call it when everything seems to keep us away from those we wish most to see? Tragedy? Or luck? Maybe that person isn't the person we should be longing for. Maybe it is and you'll never find out. What if? What if we never give anyone a chance? Block them out, just so that we don't get hurt. What if we never feel anything for anyone? What if we never feel anything at all? What if, after this time, I never find an answer and will never forget about this summer? What if he'll always haunt me everytime I seem to move on? I've been reflecting. And most of the time, I am happy. I am able to live a full life and look forward to the future that I so badly wish for. Other times, I find myself sitting alone. Thinking about love, and why people put up with it? Love. Is something that cannot be tamed or controlled. We love who we love. We dislike, whom we dislike. We can sometimes, learn to love someone or something. We can also realise, that is was never worth loving in the first place. Love is hard. Painful. But when people find it, as I've seen in endless movies with happy endings, that moment they give in to every wall they have been hiding behind, nothing else seems to matter. And love, pushes through every wall and every impediment. Love lasts. And yet again, I am sad to say that sometimes, life gets in the way and two people are forced to be the opposing sides of the magnet. Sometimes, just sometimes, love isn't always enough.

the truth about forever.

"Our story has three parts: A beginning, middle and an end. And although this is how all stories unfold, I still can't believe that ours didn't go on forever."
- Nicholas Sparks.

without a label.

Who'd have known?


I should have known.

I HATE men..

to his daughter.

Benjamin Button -
"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

rebound.

it took me literally 2 days to move on. I love my life.

I really wish I could forget about everything and move on..

Why do we not speak like this no morrow?

"When he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night,
And pay no worship to the garish sun"

- Romeo and Juliet. ACT III Scene 2.

Oh, I fooking love thee William Shakespeare.

ATTENTION, ALL MEN:

To all MEN: (or in this case, dicky boyfriend)
Must you always insist on being actual dicks? I don't understand your motives, nor the point.
And yes, it is probably true, we, let's face it, shouldn't brood over you or over-think things until our brain can no longer function, but can you really blame us? Oh, no, of course not. Nothing is ever your fault. I just want it all to be okay again. At least pretend like you still give a flying fuck? You are all bloody incapable of seeing anything that you start through, whether this be an argument, the washing up or the god damn relationship YOU wanted in the first place. You all seem so bonered that you managed to get a girlfriend, that you simply forget about making the effort, giving a shit, making it last, making it normal. So much for hunny moon period. I've hardly seen you. And yes, I'll admit, I am whipped. So fucking whipped, I could be cream. But oh, don't you worry 'babe', I'll sit and look pretty on top of your fat fucking ice cream sundae while you continue to live your life and decide to talk to me on your own terms. I have already come to terms with the fact that you seem to miss the point of being in a relationship, as have I, also come to terms with the fact, that despite the endless amounts of romantic comedies I depress myself with, that no man is or will ever be, PERFECT. None of you sorry ass pretty boys are perfect, you, father, are also not perfect, white men you are not perfect, black men you're not perfect, asian men you certaintly aren't perfect, nor will you fat, skinny, posh, common, whipped, asshole men ever be close to perfect. But still. I shall continue to brood, wait for your text, wait for the next rare privalege of sitting in your shitty room, hoping that one day, we'll be good enough to go out in public. Waiting for the day, that ALL MEN, realise that they are not the only beings on this fucking planet and sometimes, it would be lovely to hear you say, "BABE, let's go out today, do something" and end the evening in your arms instead of being waved goodbye while you comfort another girl. Theoretically, of course. BLEURGH. I hate you all. Just seriously men, take the hint from the ones whom have had to deal with your shit everyday of our lives. Sort your bloody lives out.
From,
"AngryBitchOnTheOtherEndOfThePhoneWaitingForYouToStepUpAndBeA
RealFuckingGentlemanInsteadOfPushingMeInTheDeepEnd
AndWatchingMeDrown"

Miley, you have a point..

"Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn"

Allow MEN. Really. Do I really need to justify this statement?
Get off your arse boyfriend and show me the thorns are worth it. Yeah?

whip? fuck off.

I never thought i'd feel like this about him.


Ever.

if we were a movie.

"Some things don't last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down on the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there." — Sarah Dessen Being ill, has allowed me to sit and ponder at the different aspects in my life. It has allowed me to think and reminisce about all the good and bad times, smiling and laughing at those I hope to remember forever, and closing the memories I wish to forget. It has allowed me to reevaluate everything in my life currently, and inspired me to wish for better things, instead of leading life with, "I can't,I won't,I should" We do it often. We watch a few inspiring films about love and friendship and not taking life for granted, achieving dreams and over coming a fear or burden that keeps up grounded. But who told us we had to keep our feet on the ground? Forever, is a long time. Probably too long, in my books. And though, I am a young woman of many thoughts, many dreams and many doubts, I intend to see a forever. My forever. I'm used to watching things die, which at the mere age of 17, is a shame and it saddens even myself to feel like there is no hope for any of us. And lately, as the sun shines, and I wish for the summer and the end of exams and for everything to be great again, I think, "Who am I? Where am I going with this life of mine? What do I wish to remember?" I wish to write wise words, and sing great songs, read great books and make great memories. But all of a sudden, this has become difficult. I don't recognise the road I am driving along. Nor do feel hopeful that in time, I shall find my way again. All I know is, I am a girl. Who is no longer afraid. I will face everything that blocks my way with a confident notion that perhaps, one day, I will look back at my life, and think, "Hey, some things don't last forever, but some things do" I will then return to my garden overlooking a river somewhere in this world, turn to him, smile a half hearted smile, close my eyes and dream everything was like a movie. And that this would be the end.

who needs men, when we have Buble?

despite.

Despite: the shit.
the men.
the exams.
the lack of family.
the lack of will.
the lack to choose.
the fact, that life, for me, for everyone, is non-existent currently.
the fact I have a problem saying yes and no.
the fact I can have him, but hesitant to have just that.


...i love my fucking life and everything in it. even the flaws.
shame it takes me a while to remember :)

i don't give a fuck about your pajamas.

YOU LIKE ME? FUCK OFF. YOU DON'T LIKE ME. YOU WOULDN'T BE PLANNING TO BONE HER IF YOU GAVE A SHIT. YOU'RE A MAN. AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE FALLEN FOR IT. I SHOULDN'T HAVE FALLEN FOR YOU. I HOPE SHE SHITS ON YOUR CHEST YOU NIMWOD. ps. I like you. shame that.

because we all need a laugh.

"Simon's Dad: Your've had an eventful day
bunking off school, buying alchol illegally, defacing carly's drive and
insulting Neil's dad, have i missed anything?

Will: We also hit a spastic with a
frispy."

what's with this change?

I don't know what i'm doing with this life of mine. I seem to be pondering over every step I take, wasting time, thinking, thinking... Nothing productive is actually being done. Men? I still have two in the race. And i like them both and haven't felt more like a dickhead in all my life. They don't deserve it. I don't mean to do what I do, but it's so much harder to hurt someone when you like them. Who knows who will win this time? This race I get involved never has a clear winner and in the long run, is never the right one anyway, which most of the time, seems to be the problem. Shit. Exams? First in three weeks and I don't seem to give a shit.Nothing is being done, I keep saying, I'll do it when I feel like it and when I do? It lasts half an hour at the most before I get up and do something else. I feel like i've hit a brick wall with school. Something is telling me to break it and paddle on, get it over with, endure it and get where you want to go. But the other half isn't letting me, it's not worth it. It'll be okay, it'll work itself out. It rarelt does. So don't be a fool as I am and believe that. I've been looking at all of these Universities tonight and it's suddenly hit me, that in a years time (if I get off of my arse and get the grades of course) i'll be off to a University somewhere in life. I don't think i've ever been so scared about change. I won't be at home, or with the people I am most comfortable with today. Fresh Start. And i'm not too sure I want one. Not like that. Despite planning to stay together, me and the best friend are bound to loose eachother somewhere along the path and seperate. It kills me. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for anything. I'm too busy getting drunk and thinking about men. It shouldn't be like this. Not right now. I was so determined to change this life of mine. Exercise. Be social. Study. Work. Volunteer blah blah blah. Who am I kidding? I'm too busy wasting my life on Facebook and texting a man I probably wont' even know a year from now. What's wrong with me? I'm on an endless racing track, coming up to the finish line. And I just want to stop. Stop running and trun back. I'm not ready.

not everything needs a title.

"get real" inspired by politics.

Get Real. I'm going to hurt you. Let's not play happy families and pretend that secretly, I am not a man.

Get Real. I've been hurt. By you. By him. I even hurt myself with the stupid mistakes I make.

Get Real. Things don't just work out. You actually have to work.

Get Real. You think this sun is going to stay?

I can't ever be your "baby". Not really. Can I?

Urg. Get Real. Men are Men. I am a dick. And together, We do not work. Ever.

i'll be your boomerang, every fucking time.

and here I am again. Back in the place that three days ago, I was free of. He was a dick, and I know just as my life starts returning to it's previous state, he will return, fuck up my mind and my life and me, being the douche I am, will run back to him like a boomerang infactuated by it's owner. I really hope this isn't the case. I'm fed up of men, dominating my life. Yet, I'll welcome them in, butter them up then fudge up everything that looks like it is going well. It always happens. This is my life. Oh the joys. If only things were simple. Just once. If only I could make my mind up, act on it and actually stick to that decision, regardless of the consequences. I moan about men, but let's face it, I'm pretty sure a dude is hidden inside me, waiting to hurt the world. Fan-fucking-tastic.

the night after the night before.

"Hangover - Nausea and headaches often caused by way too much fucking alcohol. Can be identified by the ashtray in ones mouth,the vomit on last nights clothes,the want to never drink or eat again,the great dislike of sunlight, the undesirealbe urge to apologise to all the people you spent the night with, the stranger in your bed and need for a glass of water and many many asprin" At least I am not the only one. 95% of alcohol consumer's suffer a hangover the morning after a night out on the town. Sounds like we're animals. In most cases, where a party and alcohol is involved; we are. My reflections of last night have changed due to the occasional flashbacks I have been getting the entire day. Lovely. I needed it. I had to forget about all of the shit and have a good time. The night did not begin well. I then, realised alcohol was probably not the answer, sitting at a bus stop for an hour desperately awaiting the well- needed party, proved to put me in the shittiest mood. I did not want to drink, party, dance, socialise. I wanted to be home, in bed, with my tea, writing about how shit my life is and how nothing ever goes right. Two hours later, I was bent down a sink, being sick and telling the world, many of which I had just met, that I would be okay, "if only I had more bread". Good ol' alcohol. I had a good night, when I wasn't being sick or sitting in a corner somewhere with my head in my knees. This morning, due to the lack of sleep, my hangover had not yet sunk in. This is the moment I always fear, as I know that as soon as my head eventually reaches a pillow, I would wake up, and that so called hangover?; would be hanging. Largely. I still have a headache, a night on. Looking through pictures sends flashbacks of the horrific things I probably did and said last night. My mouth and stomach still feels like an ocean with little water. And yet, I sit in my room, thinking about the tears that I have cried this week, the things I have dealt with, I look at the pictures from last night, think of my hangover and wish the banging would just stop, and then realise, that I love my life. And all the bad things that happen and that are thrown at me? Makes me, me. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Well, perhaps i'd like to have actually revised this easter or for my dad to come home and be okay, I'd have liked to be warned about being blown out twice by him, I'd have liked to have seen everything that has happened coming. But then, in the morning, whether you are suffering from a hangover or not, what would we think about? What would we regret? What would we learn? What would we laugh about? Or cry about? Or cringe at? Nothing. Because no "good deed" (in this case, this is getting absolutly tit-faced in order to forget all bad) goes unpunished or unseen. And sometimes, this can only be a good thing.

could you be anymore of a dick?

PRICK. You're a man and I should have seen it coming. I changed everything for you. prick. Men? Why do we let them in? Let them get to us? Why the fudge, do I still like him? Hipocryte. Go talk to all of your girls. I bet you have them all lined up. Seriously, I hate men with a passion. Anymore shit, and I am packing my bags and joining a convent.

RIGHT NOW. THIS IS MY LIFE. A MASSIVE FUCKING PATH I WALK ALONE ON.

grr at him.

All I want is you.

since the last time I wrote..

And so it is 3 months into 2010 and despite planning to make it the best yet, without men getting in the way, stress, exams etc etc. This has failed. I already, have endulged in 4 men this year, most of which, for once, have decided to stick around for a bit, butter me up, fill my mind and inbox with words at the time, I liked. Some have left, leaving me wanting them. Of course. Other's have stuck around, when I'd rather they didn't. Some change their mind and want me when they are bored and the last, still here.. a year later, and bloody hell, is it getting old. I don't know why I do it, I really don't. I don't know how I handle it. Again, I don't. It's boring. All of this. It is 3 months into 2010 and despite planning to make it the best yet, without men getting in the way, I don't think there has ever been a year where men have been more up my arse, leaving me confused and stuck in a hole I do not wish to be in. Just chose. It's not that easy.

What else for the last 3 months?
Rehearsed for a show. Had no life. Got drunk. Had sex. Got a few numbers. Got more drunk. Slept it off. Been ill. Been sick. Had coursework, the size of my boobs. Met new men. Liked new men. Lost new men. Stuck with my friend. Got results, found out I failed. Found out I got an A. Cried about men. Thought about men. Text my men. My men left me. Went on facebook. Had hour long phonecalls. Got hit by paintballs. Slept on the floor. Slept on the couch. Ate like a bitch. Bitched about a bitch. Wished I had a car. Wished I could drive. Wished I was rich. Got a job. Quit show. Got more drunk. Reminised. Got stressed about more coursework. Text a man. Waited for a text from a man. Realised that man didn't want me. Realised I'm stuck with a man I don't want. Watched a few films. Attempted to make a film. Attempting to stay sober. Failing at that. Sleeping. Also failing at that. Getting excited about babies. Realising if I had a baby I wouldn't live. Realising even without a baby, I still haven't lived. Realising in my easter holidays, I will be revising. Remembered the time, I had to revise and had no life. Remembered the time when I didn't have to revise and still had no life. Looking at pictures and thinking,

fuck, I love my life.